Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
