How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
