I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
