My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
