I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
