I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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