Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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