omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
