I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
