his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
