So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
