i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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