So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
