Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
