Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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