if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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