I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
