I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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