Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
