so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
