you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
