so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
