gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
