Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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