I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
