If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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