Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
