I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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