so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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