sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I intend to get homeless drunk
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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