did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
