Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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