Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
