nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
