I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
