the condom got lost in my hair
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
