and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
