First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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