It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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