had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize