Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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