I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
