there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize