I'm so fucking centered right now
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
