Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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