i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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