My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
