i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
