Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
