As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
