hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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