I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We left the knife in your bed.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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