And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
