matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
