it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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