Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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