I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
porn star boner night. come get it.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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