maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It's never too late to be topless.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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