i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
