yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
