Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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