She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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