Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
