Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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