do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
