What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I love you. Go after that dick
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
